Tuesday, February 24, 2009

The Last Few Days

So we approach the end of our days in this college. I have mixed feelings about it. Sometimes I’m happy thinking of how there will never again be a day full of just sitting in classes or listening to people who don’t make sense to me. Other times I feel a connection I’ve made with the people I’ve got to know, and with the campus that I think I will actually miss. There are some people I just don’t want to say bye to and others who I’ve just started getting to know and it feels like there was so much more I could’ve discovered that I now won’t have time to. I’m grateful to the teachers who have kept me sane and alive through all the frustrating times and have been dedicated to their noble profession even in such a rigid system.

But I wouldn’t stay here if I had a choice. I’m quite looking forward to the future, whatever that may be.

U Tear It Up

U tear it up
I pick up the pieces and reuse
U listen to cruel experiments without flinching
I feel sick and want to cry
U discuss slippers and handbags and criticise my hair
Can’t u see I don’t care?

U don’t care for culture or god
I yearn for both
U accept
I can’t understand sadism or a will to irritate or hurt

There is no romance for the philosopher
For anyone courageous, intelligent and self-aware
There is no dependence
I like my space.
I don’t stick to people
Maybe that’s why I don’t have many close friends

But there is angst of not being understood
Or perhaps it is a longing for like minds
We who love, care, feel, think, and learn

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

A Struggle for Balance

At the brink of a new life, yet so many memories of the bygone remind me of where I come from.
People I’ve known for so long now seem more precious with the little amount of time remaining.
I write in my head because there is no time to pick up the pen. The writer in me caged and unhappy. Creativity suppressed, Intelligence shown the door yet I cling to the potentially bright aspects.
“Plan as though you’ll live forever,” they say, “live as though it were your last day”. I struggle to find a balance. I want to run to the future. Or stay in the present without doing what is expected of me. To live peacefully, reading, listening to jazz, dancing alone and going for walks. But I sit at my desk and manipulate words, memorise names for a test or fill up mundane forms.
Reminders of how young and innocent I once was lie on the floor as I enter the house.
To recognize the phobias I’ve had for so long, influencing everything I do. And feel bored that so little has changed.
Excess information clogs my brain. It is an art and a habit to make everything simple complicated and want to simplify all mental inputs that are not. Maybe it’s not important because I overfeel, overspeak, overthink.
What is important? The past? Future? Present? All of them?
It’s a struggle for balance.

Dread

I looked forward
Now I can’t
This sudden Dread
Too fast, too shallow to dive
Going to crash
I had pressed the accelerator
What injuries to cause and suffer
Doom
Why am I reacting like this?
Messed up.
Fear
Of what?
What of the charmer? Scared child!
What of the powerful woman?
Cave- just a hollow
Being trapped, losing control