Friday, February 29, 2008

she woke me up

dont we really live in a lulled illusion?
dont i...rather...

i do.
she woke me up

a devastating blow to the castles i had built
idealism about the self must be the last to crash

at least the last so far

im not great
im not perfect at all
im as filthy as the rest of them
if not more...by pretense...by unaware-ness

i cause the hurt
i cause the violence

if regret and wishing to rewind and erase parts of the past are not good enough,
as i know they arent
i need to know what is

is it possible to be clean?
is it possible for me to be clean?

if not like a divine soul
clean like a hospital where ills are cured?

time to search the soul
time to attempt a cleansing

can i clean with dirty hands?

still i wont not try

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Let the world know my Pain

written on 14th Feb


Maybe you cant see it so easily…but I've been in pain since 31st January.

There are reasons of course. Some you would understand, some you wouldn't. Would u consider not knowing yourself and what you want a source of unhappiness?

Well that's one. One of my favourite teachers retired. My email ids got hacked into. Passive distance became active rage. I've never felt that violent before. And by some misinterpretations resulting form that I lost two important friends. Both of them hate me now. To my knowledge, I've never been hated before. I still don't think I deserve it and I'm trying to shield myself form how much it hurts me.

Perhaps not as severe as this are the two other friends who turned diplomats after this incident. Fiends I can't cry to anymore.

Yes, there has been something positive about this- I've bonded more deeply with so many people. Grown closer to them because they supported me through it.

But I lost the usual high I live on…no more singing in labs, making people smile and smiling when I really felt happy. Now all my smiles are either forced or last few seconds before they disappear into a dull grimace. A wilted sunflower.

I took the appropriate and sensible measures about the incident and stepped back. I want the hate to stop though I'm still angry at times that my privacy was invaded. I thought the low would wear off slowly but yesterday, I was given a large dosage of hate. I don't understand how it's possible to hate me. I simply can't digest it.

Nothing's going my way. Except for my friends and family, the world seems to be conspiring against me. Even the bus conductor!

Tears? Lachrymal secretions! No they don't help much, though they do come once in a while. I can't cry or shout it out. I sing, but when I stop, it all comes back.

I told god last night to stop giving me a hard time. He seems to want to beat every ounce of my previously resilient optimism out of me. I don't like this world. I don't like the hate and negativity. I'm just a helpless child in this horrible world.

I can't burden people with more than what I have about my pain. It's not theirs to bear. I'm now part of this world. I've learnt to hate, I've learnt to use bad language without flinching when I'm angry. I'm hated. So true to mankind! But do you know how much this hurts?

I want to be an infant again. To be held do safely in my mother's arms. To be loved unconditionally by everyone. To cause no hurt to anyone. Pure, innocent, loved.

What's the point of living in this world? Why become filth to 'adapt'? And they say this pain is nothing. There's more to come so don't be naïve.

If this goes on, I may get suicidal. Geez! Would I have ever thought that possible before? I can't survive in this world the way I am. I need to toughen myself further. To get filthier with apathy. Absorb more filth. Till I'm like the rest of them. Zombies.