god and love

Words like love and god are of the most ambiguous. What do people mean when they ask ‘do you believe in god’ or ‘I love you’. So few people see subtleties in the meanings of these words. Some even equate god with religion! Religion is just a socially accepted system of belief. It usually asks one not to question. And even those that originally had a spirit of questioning have become blind faith. But if people find some kind of peace in that, that’s to be respected as well.
But to me, god has too many more layers. He’s like good poetry.

Most of the time he is a companion, a friend who I can cry to, thank and shout out. But I am an understanding friend in return. If he had to take away my friend’s parent, after shouting at him, I eventually forgive him and accept it.
I go to him for forgiveness too but most of the time he goes easy on me. It’s myself I have a problem with. I make myself do things to make up for my mistake- sometimes figuratively whip myself till I feel worthy of forgiveness.

But god isn’t just a friend. He is a big hug of warm benevolence when I need support. When I feel like it, I even pray. I don’t need a temple or a specific time. I just quieten myself and connect to him, like when an ambulance passes by.
When I walk into a friend I needed to talk to, or get a seat in the bus on the days I don’t feel too good, I thank him for it. He protects me when I have to pass any form of danger. Sometimes I think he’s designed my life in the path of enrichment. Everything happens for a reason. Coincidences hold meaning.

But god can be impersonal too. He can be in the love and respect one can feel towards every living and non-living thing that exists. He can be everything or nothing just like everything and everyone else can. The moments when one feels one with the whole world and exploding with love, that’s god, that’s love. There’s no distinction between god and the individual.

Like god, love is a wide spectrum of experiences that needs individual understanding rather than definition. At different stages of life, we feel different forms and intensities of love towards different people and things.
I love my family, school teachers, seniors, peers and juniors (more or less family), other friends, and even some of my college teachers. I love the dogs I pass on the way to college, and the trees in my neighbourhood. I love the wind and the clouds. I love music and books. I love myself.

This ambiguity is actually good. Why should love be limited? There should be a Fundamental Right to Freedom of Love and its Expressions. The world would be a sweeter place if we could hug trees without people thinking its weird; And hold a blind woman’s hand as she gets off the bus; And comfort a crying stranger; buy lunch for a street kid or a poor disabled person; And all this in a spirit of love, not pity or superiority. Love shouldn’t know any boundaries. It is not love if it does.

womanhood

the following posts were withheld in the 'period of silence'


Child at heart, I am not used to telling people at parties that I don’t drink. No-one would ask me. I’m surprised when men talk to me as if I were a woman. I am surprised at what I find myself talking about- exes, condoms, not denying the body its desires. I am a woman but a child at heart. Compared to my mid teens, this seems a more drastic transition. Its been happening for quite a while. I’ve just woken up to it. The body changed maximum in the teen years but one doesn’t realize it till it enables one to feel very differently to what one has previously felt. Sexual maturity accompanies mental confusion. Mind needs time to catch up with body. Why cant we be just people instead of men and women?
My peers already know. They are consistently women. I oscillate between being a woman and a person. I am treated as if I were constantly aware that I was a woman. Why do they do it?
Or rather, why am I the exception?
If I weren’t, I would understand myself better.
Person to child, child to person, and then occasionally a woman, when I permit a man to treat me that way. Curious child in the classroom. Fun person with friends. While being eve teased, a disgusted and angry woman or an indifferent person. While pushed to flirting, a childishly shy or mischievous woman.
I start observing again-the changes- after so long. I’ve been living without understanding. But now I’ve started watching again.
I can imagine the women around me being mothers or getting married. Just dress them up and they’ll be ready. I hope I never grow up like them. I hope I never lose the child within. I don’t swear, drink, have a boyfriend to go out with, spend time in front of the mirror, swing my hips when I walk, wear much jewelry, wear heels, or wave like a girl. I must be tom boy.
Do I ever try to be a woman? Or do I try not to be?
Its easier not to be. It takes too much effort. But I’m defying my hormones? Defiant not to succumb to hormones or gendering?
Or a natural rebel?

revival

i've shed my skin
purged my soul

i've created more than i imagined i could
fresh air, open spaces of nature make ppl nicer at heart...

i am now ready to rise again
this blog after so long is ready for my new writtens
i am aware that being a blog, its bound to be read by some of the great minds i've invited and certain scum but i'm beyond letting that bother my expression

new leaves have sprouted
flowers have bloomed and there are even fruits on the branches

peaceful sleep and bathing in love are cleansing
visiting home, being with family in long baths of fresh pure mountain water love...

what didnt kill me only made me stronger:)