womanhood

the following posts were withheld in the 'period of silence'


Child at heart, I am not used to telling people at parties that I don’t drink. No-one would ask me. I’m surprised when men talk to me as if I were a woman. I am surprised at what I find myself talking about- exes, condoms, not denying the body its desires. I am a woman but a child at heart. Compared to my mid teens, this seems a more drastic transition. Its been happening for quite a while. I’ve just woken up to it. The body changed maximum in the teen years but one doesn’t realize it till it enables one to feel very differently to what one has previously felt. Sexual maturity accompanies mental confusion. Mind needs time to catch up with body. Why cant we be just people instead of men and women?
My peers already know. They are consistently women. I oscillate between being a woman and a person. I am treated as if I were constantly aware that I was a woman. Why do they do it?
Or rather, why am I the exception?
If I weren’t, I would understand myself better.
Person to child, child to person, and then occasionally a woman, when I permit a man to treat me that way. Curious child in the classroom. Fun person with friends. While being eve teased, a disgusted and angry woman or an indifferent person. While pushed to flirting, a childishly shy or mischievous woman.
I start observing again-the changes- after so long. I’ve been living without understanding. But now I’ve started watching again.
I can imagine the women around me being mothers or getting married. Just dress them up and they’ll be ready. I hope I never grow up like them. I hope I never lose the child within. I don’t swear, drink, have a boyfriend to go out with, spend time in front of the mirror, swing my hips when I walk, wear much jewelry, wear heels, or wave like a girl. I must be tom boy.
Do I ever try to be a woman? Or do I try not to be?
Its easier not to be. It takes too much effort. But I’m defying my hormones? Defiant not to succumb to hormones or gendering?
Or a natural rebel?