Dread

It’s strange that 8 days before I turn 20, the same dread of growing up haunts me as it did 7 days before I turned 14. If I could, I would fight Time. But, I know this feeling will pass.

I want to know why I dread growing up. Why, despite in general, knowing and accepting life as it is, there are still moments like these before my birthday. The most obvious reason to me is probably that people now see and treat me as a woman, an adult, rather than as a child and person. They excuse me less, expect more, and totally disapprove when I don’t conform.

I’ll miss the wonder I used to cause when I said something profound (I would say these things as most children do; not because I was a genius but because I was a free child). I’ll miss being smarter than most people, now that everyone is expected to know more anyway. I’ll miss the freedom of laughing out loud without being judged negatively. When I reach the end of my fresh fruit juice, I’ll have to restrain myself from noisily sucking in the last few drops.

I look in the mirror. The innocent child is gone. I see a grown young woman. My problem is that I have a form. If I didn’t, it wouldn’t matter.

It’s not that I want my childhood back. I am prepared to face life, but I don’t want to do things that are expected of me merely because I’m of such and such an age. Men will be only friends. Learning will continue to be the main purpose and activity of my life.

Oh, so your issue is men? Well perhaps that is what started this dread because I’m not afraid of responsibility or growing ‘old and frail’. It must be what people expect me to feel. I can’t. I once thought I could but I don’t. Because it doesn’t exist. It’ is just the selfish gene which makes us that way. I wont give in.